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2006
Here’s a post I tried to put on www.rightnation.us that was swiftly pulled down. Enjoy.
All I have to say is: Thanks a bunch, you guys! Back in June, you put some fire under my ass. Now that my book has come out in US, I feel pretty gratified that I might be part of a trend: that trend would be known in political circles as a backlash.
I’m sitting across the Pond watching the election results roll in, and feeling pretty smug that my native country might be emerging from its bondage of prudery by voting Democrat and – gasp! – leaving people’s choices of bedroom behavior alone.
In my book, The Butcher, the Baker, the Candlestick Maker, I write about having multiple sex partners, going to sex clubs, and attending orgies – nothing unusual for a lot of women in the UK, where I live now. Yet when word of the book hit the American radar, some began saying such nasty things about me, I wondered if the national anthem should be changed to include the words “no sex please, we’re American.” (So few know the words to their National Anthem, who would notice?) Sex is everywhere in America. The problem is too many people pretend it isn’t, or think it shouldn’t be.
Not so long ago, the quip “no sex please, we’re British” seemed rooted in truth. Perhaps our cool climate was considered a hindrance to sexual activity, forcing the randy traveler south. If so, that issue is no more. Is it global warming? Or did the people here just chill? My impression from the 1970s, when I moved to London from New York as a teenager, was that the British actually used their beds exclusively for sleeping. But these days, the UK is Europe’s frisky frontier, and the hotties are flying in from all over. London’s red light district stretches from Soho to Shoreditch, and the city has appropriated New York’s old moniker, “New Amsterdam” – though for decidedly different reasons.
The Butcher, the Baker, the Candlestick Maker, the story of my sexual history, came out in the UK in early June to respectable reviews. In the US it caused heat even before it was hot off the press. After a number of UK newspapers covered the surge of women’s erotic memoirs, a visitor to my Web site tipped me off to a hellfire raging in my name. The message board on RightNation linked to a Sunday Times piece in which I discussed my reasons for writing the book; the rest of the page was filled with members’ commentary.
“Is her name down in the dictionary next to the word ‘slut’?” was the first note I saw. It appeared within hours of the article’s posting on the Times’s Web site and was pretty typical of the lot. I skimmed through some three dozen other comments. “One thing this woman will probably never get from a man… respect,” said another. “I hope she regularly gets tested for AIDS.” More than 100 responses were posted in 24 hours; one contained a death threat.
Clearly not everyone is comfortable with a book like mine, even here in England. “I can’t believe you’re writing that kind of book. I could never be so public about my private sex life,” said one London girlfriend. We live in a city of bath houses, private and public swingers parties, and even half a dozen fetish clubs, so I found her distaste a bit puritan. A bit American, actually.
Similarly, a BBC presenter suggested “there are people who would say that at your age you might prefer to be doing something else.”
Like what, I wonder. The laundry? Since when is having sex after 40 newsworthy? And when did we revert to the myth that sex stopped when motherhood began? If that were the case, none of us would have siblings.
The comments from the RightNation Web site and the BBC radio presenter suggest was that, at 45, I should be happy to settle down with a good book or embroidery. Despite the growth of swinging clubs, swapping, and other unconventional sexual venues and practices – mostly, I’ve noticed, practiced by couples over 35 – too few people want to talk about middle-aged people having sex.
My biological destiny is to take pleasure in sex, not to retire after reproduction. Lying back to think about tomorrow’s carpool schedule is not my style. Having a good time (in my free time) is.
My own experience confirms that women reach their sexual peak in their thirties and forties. Had my sex life been as good in the years before I turned 40, my memoir would be a three-volume set. The bonus is that, in addition to reaching my sexual Everest, I’ve learned how to communicate to make sure the sex is amazing.
I know what I like and don’t like, and I’m willing let my lovers know – and to drop anyone unwilling to comply. Sex is a partnership. And I’m pleased to report that it only gets better with age – and that goes for both sides of the Atlantic.
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Middle-aged single mother and entertainment publicist Suzanne Portnoy leads a double life. Monday to Friday, she’s a professional executive devoted to her two adolescent boys. But at weekends she spends her kid-free hours having sex, with a different man each time. Or multiple men. More »
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The Almond: The Sexual Awakening of a Muslim Woman
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Sex by Numbers: Everything You Should Know About Sex and a Few Things You Shouldn’t
Still no hot water. This is rediculous. Can I ask my neighbour to shower at her place again? I'm almost too embarrassed. Guess I'll have to. 2 hrs ago
Comments
Nicely put. There is a slogan about Bush, “Someone give this man a blowjob so we can impeach him”. The results of this election are fantastic, but the cynic in me is fearful that a lame duck president will takes his sights away from Iraq and find an easier target–anyone for a War on Pornography?
I bet everyone is playing the guessing game, trying to work out who you are.
A rockstar who played the other day?? Mmm, I wonder.
Got it: it’s the lardy lead guitarist/singer in the Magic Numbers.
Suzanne! How could you?!
Get real! If you know my type, it’s a dead giveaway.
Hey, the only bad press is no press at all!
Though, admittedly, there are times that I shake my head at the folks on this side of the pond….
I was so excited to read your posting, so many thoughts going through my head, so much I would like to say in response. I know EXACTLY what you have been through and are going through! I agree with your thoughts on so many levels.
Your discussion about your age and others commenting that you should be seeking other pursuits certainly brings back a vivid memory. Some years back when I was in a sexless marriage, I had an affair and after I was found out, my 19 year old daughter exclaimed “Are you crazy? My God, you’re almost 50!” She figured at age 50, a person’s sex life should be over and I should be sitting in a rocking chair nodding off watching TV.
After publishing my book, I encountered the exact same type of reaction. Within the book, I used fake names of clubs we had attended and only used first names, if any at all, of people we had met. We were not ashamed to be swingers and were excited to have published a diary of our adventures, passing books out to our swinger friends. We had told our swinger friends for over a year that we were planning on publishing our diary of swinging adventures and everyone was very supportive, ahead of publication. Perhaps they thought we never would accomplish it? Afterwards, you wouldn’t believe the backlash we encountered! Our former “friends” turned against us so fast it made our heads spin. They went to club owners and made them ban us from the clubs. They went to our swing web site and made them cancel our membership. They did everything they could to threaten us physically and to sabotage our book sales by posting nasty negative comments and blogging us to death on all the swinger web sites.
How amazing to us that we were chastised by our friends INSIDE the swinging community, rather than those outside who didn’t know us and were AGAINST swinging. Yes, there is certainly a lot of negativity, especially in America, against open sexual freedom. Regardless of the gains that have finally been made in society by the gay community, even the swingers who participate in the Lifestyle seem to be ashamed and negative about it! We have absolutely no shame about our sexual freedom.
Thank you so much for the posting!
It’s not the sex, it’s the desperately needy mememememeness of your blog that grates when you should be mature enough to be far less self-obsessed, and have gotten over the novelty of fannies and cocks.
Maybe you’d have more satisfying relationships than the ones you whine about in your blog, if you spent less time on what’s above the waist and found yourself a real personality and sense of humour.
And rock “star”, my arse. Chuck Berry still alive?
Allan, aren’t all blogs about self-obsession/promotion?
Fair point Nick - but this blog is so dispiriting and deluded.
My geography is a bit crap though - I meant “below the waist”. Mebbes I was onto more uplifting things.
Where do you Europeans and British get the idea that we Americans don’t like, want, or have sex? I know that my country is said to be in a “sexually conservative” era. Yet, here in the SF Bay Area, I hear of orgies, BDSM “munches” (eat good food and talk about BDSM and meet potential play partners), and yes, even seminars on “How to Tie Somebody Up Safely For Erotic Fun!” and “Women, Release Your Full Orgasmic Potential!” I’m going to have to write a good, respectful rebuttal to the idea of “Americans don’t want sex, or at least don’t want to hear about it.” It’s true that I’m not promiscuous, don’t go to sex clubs, or even have what’s considered “sexual activity” in the usual sense, but I do enjoy masturbating, erotic literature, and also making my own erotic blogs. With illustrations! Of course, I’d love to make love again, if I am ever lucky enough to find lovers who want me whom I also want. I’m just not into casual sexual contact. I have my own reasons why, and they’ve got nothing to do with “morality”. Sex parties and seminars cost a lot of money, unless you’re willing to help clean-up, set-up, or check coats and hats. I know, ’cause I’ve tried a few…. and realized this isn’t my idea of “a good time”. Honey, whatever turns you and your lovers on! Evidently, you know about protection from STDs…. and no, I haven’t read your book. I have to be careful with my money and spending, and that includes my book, music, and DVD budget (which IS my entertainment!!) Anyway, hello from Linda, a fellow erotic blogger…. yes I surf some porn, too, at least at http://www.blogger.com. You’d be amazed at the number of truly good erotic blogs out there. There ARE Americans who have sizzling sex lives. They blog about it and OH boy do you get juicy knickers.
Linda, we have no delusion that the americans love sex. We have all read and loved “The Happy Hooker” and are well aware for the yankee penchant for a good group romp but I think the point Suzanne is trying to make is that the conservatism lies within the media and (as we have recently found out also in the politics of the country) that they don’t know diddly, let alone being a fair representation of the people.
We all need more happy horny open minded people like Suzanne in our lives. Maybe then we would lighten up and stop fighting one another.
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I wish you would drop by and lend some of your perspective to my story, since most of my readers lately are of our age. They complain (rightly) that the photos I illustrate my writing with are of young hotties, because photos of older hotties are hard to find. They complain (rightly) that the other blogs about open relationships and polyamory are written by 20- and 30-somethings. This is because open relationships are natural to people who haven’t yet settled into real adulthood.
Your story sounds like exactly the kind of thing that needs telling. Brava!
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How many times have I thought about this (Portnoy)? This is a great article and I appreciate the thought you put into it. Thanks!!
Thanks for sharing