Suzanne Portnoy

I’m uncomfortable with rejection. Who isn’t? I don’t like being rejected and I don’t like rejecting others. Yet it happens.

Once, about three years ago, I f***ed a guy. I think I was coming off the back of a relationship and wanted some company. I had placed an ad on a swinging website, he responded. We met in a pub in Primrose Hill. As I recall (and my memory isn’t great) I had one glass of wine before suggesting going back go mine. He was a decent looking Spanish guy but his English wasn’t good enough to have a free flowing conversation. I wasn’t looking for conversation. I was looking to get laid.

When he came back to my house, we immediately got to business on the sofa where I straddled his cock. It was not the biggest in the world, not up to my usual standards. He came five times within the space of an hour and I didn’t come at all. I realised I wasn’t really enjoying myself and was grateful when he said, ‘That was amazing. I’m exhausted but do you mind if I go home?’

As far as I was concerned, that was a one shot deal. He got what he wanted. I had some company, albeit briefly. That was three years ago. Since then I’ve received a text message or a phone call monthly from him wanting to see me again. I stopped picking up the phone a year or so ago when I realised that this guy just wasn’t going to go away. I don’t like ignoring people but sometimes it’s necessary.

Then, for a while, it stopped and I was grateful that he had finally gotten the message and hopefully fallen for someone else who could make him happy. I deleted his number from my phone. About six months ago, he started again saying that he missed me. I wondered what he missed. We had spent two hours together three years ago. He doesn’t even know me. I thought, ‘If this guy walks past me in the street, I bet he wouldn’t recognise me.’

Yesterday he sent me a text asking if I wanted to spend Xmas in Cuba with him. So finally I sent him one back asking him to delete my name and number and hopefully now he’ll stop pursuing me. I didn’t want to have to do that but I thought the whole thing had gone far enough and I needed to close it once and for all. I felt bad but relieved.

On the other side, a few months back I was due to meet a guy who had contacted me via a website. He lived in Dunstable, worked in the media like me and we had an immediate rapport on the phone. His picture looked old and I wondered if I would find him physically attractive but after a few days of long conversations, I felt like I’d found a new friend.

Then his house was flooded during the big storm and his phone had become damaged. He sent me an email to explain that his life had been turned upside down by the incident. He had to pull up all the carpets on the ground floor of his house. The place was a mess and it was going to take three days just to pump out all the water. He was working from his PC in the local pub as he couldn’t get back into his house. The whole thing sounded feasible and we agreed that he would get back in touch once everything had been sorted.

Well, that was three months ago and it seemed weird when he didn’t make contact again so I shot him across an email (his phone number never worked again) a few weeks later and asked him if everything was now OK. He replied and said that he still wanted to meet up but that the house thing had become a nightmare and his work had gone into overdrive. He said, ‘I’m not a timewaster. I really want to meet you. I miss hearing the sound of your voice.’

That was about six weeks ago and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m left wondering what has happened. I’m not devastated by his silence but it feels like a subtle form of rejection and has me confused. One minute it was daily phone calls, text messages and emails than total silence. What was all that about? Such are the modern times in which we live that one can feel rejected by someone who has no shape or form but is merely a voice or a bunch of words on a page.

This was a week of rejection. My two playmates never turned up, one because of work and the other because there were too many cars on the road for him to make it here on time. I’ve had to turn down someone else whom I didn’t want to see. We also had a brief history together and he wanted to reconnect. Being a meanie doesn’t come naturally to me but I didn’t want the brain damage.

Still, now I’m looking out the window and it’s a beautiful and sunny day. Living in a country with unpredictable weather, just seeing the sun come out makes everyone a little happier.

Tonight I’m meeting up with a regular and I’ve suggested we stay in and mess around all night. He said, ‘Sounds good to me.’ I’m looking forward to seeing him.