Suzanne Portnoy

Rios, one of my favourite hang-outs on this planet, has had a make-over and it really does look good. Gone are the grotty bathrooms to be replaced by new ones with shiny, modern fittings and sandstone coloured tiles. Gone is the smoking area to be replaced by six new, big playrooms with lots and lots of space for rolling around and having fun. The management have even put signs on the door asking people not to knock when the doors are locked. THANK YOU MANAGEMENT! There is nothing I find more annoying than trying to have sex with a stranger and hearing loads of men knocking on the door asking to come in. Really guys, if I wanted a gang bang I would leave the door open, right?

Gone too is the bar to be replaced by a new bar with new fairy lights around it. I’m still on the bench about the fairy lights. They’re a bit too bright, too garish as are the new posters of semi-naked women adorning all the walls. Black and white photos would have been more tasteful but who am I to complain? And finally, gone too are the old plastic outdoor chairs in the lounge to be replaced by new ones. The walls have been painted, the floors have been redone. Really, it’s almost not sleazy. I’m liking the new, all improved Rios.

I went there yesterday, kind of expecting to get in for free. I was hopeful that after plugging them in two books and on this blog, the Sunday Times and to my friends both here and abroad, that they might decide that maybe they could waive the entrance fee for me. Shit, even one of the guys working there said that he had noticed that more people have been going since I started writing about the place. Working in PR, I know it’s good practise to reward people who help your business to grow.

Well, guess I was wrong, because when I went up to the newly decorated reception area, the girl behind the window still demanded my £3.

‘What happened to £2?’ I said.

‘That was a few months ago. Now it’s £3.’

‘Oh, ok,’ I said, handing over the money. It’s still a bargain. £3. £2. Where else can a girl go for a steam, a sauna, a jacuzzi and a fuck?

Mmmn. And I did get fucked and fingered and licked and caressed and kissed. It really was a fantastic afternoon.