Suzanne Portnoy

I’m exhausted. Completely and totally knackered. I’ve been burning the candle at both ends, lit another candle, did the same and now I feel like there’s not much left of me but a very short wick, barely able to stay alight. I would go to bed but I’ve pulled off all the sheets on the mattress after noticing quite a few stains on them, produced presumably when the lube was being dripped onto my bum by any one of the three men who were fucking me on Friday night.

Greg, my regular swinging partner, decided it was time that he indulged me with three cocks and being the greedy girl that I am, I said ‘yes’. I’ve wanted to be filled in every hole for the past year or so, ever since I discovered threesomes and then wondered what it would be like to have another man. Unfortunately, sex doesn’t come with a government health warning advising that threesomes may lead to foursomes may lead to gang bangs and, before you know it, the one-on-one seems as pedestrian as riding a three-wheeler. You just don’t go back after the training pedals have been removed.

The session lasted quite a few hours and by the end of it, I was well and truly satiated. I don’t want to get too spiritual about these things but being completely filled was as close to an out of body experience as I’ve ever had. It felt a bit spooky seeing nothing but white light but I just decided to go with it, letting the endorphins work their magic around my body. Being the guys were all bi, the energy circulating around us was amazing as cocks entered holes or were being sucked, all at the same time. It was incredibly intoxicating, being joined like that. At such times, I just like to let myself go, absorbing the rhythm of so many cocks. Heady stuff. When the boys left at about 1am, I was so high I had to give myself one last orgasm just to fall asleep.

Seven hours later I was up again, getting my camping gear together to catch a lift to Latitude, where my friend Tania Glyde and editor Adam Nevill were both reading excerpts from their books.   I’d never been camping before but then Tania offered me a space in her tent and Adam said I could have a guest pass.

Now I know what you’re thinking - Suzanne doesn’t really strike me as the camping type.  How’s she going to put up a tent in lingerie and high heels?  How’s she going to fit 3 guys in a small tent?  But the offer of a free pass and tent seemed too good an offer to pass up. (Sometimes being Jewish has it drawbacks.) By noon I was wandering around the campsite, running into various friends and trying to get into the atmosphere. I was feeling pretty chilled, still coming down after the endorphin high from the night before.

By late afternoon, I was already wondering if I was going to be able to hack it. The sky opened up and, sheltered under an overpriced gourmet burger stand, I was thinking about making my emergency phone call to a friend that lived nearby and had offered me a warm bed if I couldn’t handle the tent. I’ve never been much of a festival person. I don’t like toilets that smell, bad burgers, queuing for pretty much everything, loud music. Ever since I learned that 5* was infinitely preferable to 1*, I’ve gone for the luxury option when I can. Then the evening music kicked in and by 11.30pm, I’d located a backstage toilet that actually flushed. That made the evening bearable. I watched Adam read his horror story in front of a mixed audience, some of whom seemed to be asleep (it was midnight) and by 1am, Tania and I were in the tent - me on a blow-up mattress loaned to me by Greg the night before. Once the ear plugs went in, I was fast asleep, only waking up at 7am to make my way back to the stinky toilet across the site.

Having slept in a tent one night, I felt I could at least say that I tried it. But, unlike foursomes, I don’t think I’ll be going back.