Suzanne Portnoy

I’m beginning to think I would rather be pen pals with some of the men that I’ve known than lovers. I haven’t had a pen pal since I was about ten and remember enjoying it back then. All the anticipation of waiting for the post to arrive, tearing open the envelope only to find a few lines scribbled on a bit of stationary that never said very much. Years later, after I finished university and way before the advent of email and even fax machines, I would type my friends long letters on my Olivetti portable typewriter. I had some friends that would type me back equally long letters. I’m not a hoarder but I still have all the letters I’ve ever been sent by friends and lovers - from the postcards my ex-husband wrote to woo me to ones written by my first boyfriend at university and others from friends. I really do wish someone would bring back letter writing until I go to my local post office and look at the queue, often fifty people deep, all trying to buy a few stamps.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve received quite a few emails from prospective lovers looking to fill my lunchtime slot (pardon the pun). Most of them are dreadful - full of text message speak, spelling mistakes, dreadful grammar. Of maybe a fifty or so men that have mailed me, only a handful have made an effort to be interesting. Of these, two were much too young for me to find them attractive, one was Friday’s date and the other I’ve now made friends with on MSN messenger. I miss those emails from Friday’s date more than I miss him. His daily emails were a treat and although I now wonder whether he sent the same replies to lots of girls, they made me laugh.

Laughter is in short supply in these credit crunch times and aside from my children who make me laugh more than most people, most men can’t seem to find my funny bone (much less my clitoris). I do wonder if I hadn’t of gotten in that hotel lift whether I might still be his pen pal as I’ve now decided I don’t want to be his lover. (Michael/Ian, you were right. Married men are best off my list). Chances are he would have just moved onto someone else who was more keen. In my experience men only remain pen pals for as long as it takes to get pussy. Once that goal has been accomplished, they’re off scouting for a new hole to fill. I’ve kept up pen pal relationships for years, literally years, with men who thought they might have a chance.

This leads me onto my new messenger friend. Most days he comes online, breaking up my workday just enough without seeming too intrusive or a bother. He works in the adult industry and I know enough about that world that we have lots to talk about. We’re due to meet on Thursday just for a coffee and I’m wondering whether it’s a good idea. I’m not sure I want to lose him online just because he might be a bit of fun offline. There’s always the possibility too that I won’t fancy him and that might also spoil our online relationship. At the moment, it just feels perfect the way it is. There’s an excitement about wondering whether I’ll like him and that lends our online conversations a sexual tension. I might cancel Thursday’s coffee. I wonder how long I can string him along…