Suzanne Portnoy

Relationships always at some point come down to the Perfect vs. the Not-So-Perfect Me. In my mind there is not much difference between the two but I guess it just takes a while for most guys I hang out with to realise that the woman on the book jacket really is the same woman they are with. That I really am unconventional and direct, sometimes brash and even rude, that I like sex a hell of a lot more than I like most things or people. Admittedly, the Perfect Me may be a bit more sweet and a bit less vulnerable. The Perfect Me likes to keep quiet about most things that bother her. The Perfect Me may prefer to hang out for the day with her boyfriend rather than face up to the growing basket of laundry, the food shopping that needs to be done, friends that she knows she is neglecting. The Perfect Me sometimes doesn’t ask for an orgasm when she really, really wants one or a threesome that she has been fantasizing about for weeks..  The Perfect Me often acquiesces when she knows she shouldn’t. The Perfect Me sometimes feels like a willow branch that is being bent into two and close to snapping.

Then there is the Not-So-Perfect me. There is a small but subtle difference. The Not-So-Perfect me realises that often there is a reason for a person not to pick up the phone when it rings but feels a little paranoid when it happens. The Not-So-Perfect me wishes that every person she knew would take off their mask and let themselves go and try and be fearless for just a minute so she wouldn’t have to second guess all the time what they were thinking or feeling. The Not-So-Perfect me lives perilously close to the edge. She sees things so clearly that she often talks over people to prevent them from saying what she has already heard in her mind. She reads bloggers such as Juliette and Ms. R and she wants to move in with them so she would have someone to laugh with when her edgy life becomes a bit too edgy for even her to bear.

The Not-So-Perfect me is actually a very nice, generous and warm person but she has strong desires. She is highly visual and somewhat shallow. When she meets someone who fits her visual ideal of the perfect man she wants to devour him. Her appetite is voracious. Sex is like meditation, the only way the Not-So-Perfect me can switch off my mind for a while and just be somewhere safe and calm. Sometimes the Not-So-Perfect me scares people with her voracious appetite. The Not-So-Perfect me is a bit kinkier than she lets on.

The Not-So-Perfect me loves intellect. The Not-So-Perfect me will happily chat for 2 hours to a person she hardly knows but likes just so she can activate her brain cells. The Not-So-Perfect me rarely finds anyone with a quicker wit than hers and misses friends that have moved away but can make her tummy ache for days.  She finds her own children to be as close to those friends as anyone else she knows. She is grateful for their existence. They make her laugh on a daily basis.

The Not-So-Perfect me would like to be the Perfect Me but she knows she cannot. The Not-So-Perfect me is me.