Suzanne Portnoy

I’m not completely sure but I’m fairly convinced that I have met nearly all the kinksters my age and within 30 miles of my location in the U.K. I recently put an ad on a website and I recognised nearly all the respondents and I’d had sex with quite a few of them. How sad is that? What’s even sadder is that in one or two cases, I had met them and completely forgotten them until trawling through my back catalogue of emails in the folder called ‘Hopeful’. Yet, there they were, same name, same email address. I wonder if there are a finite number of kinksters in the U.K. and I have reached my limit.

The other day my friend Kim said to me, ‘Why not meet a normal guy and convert him to your brand of kinkiness?’

‘That wouldn’t work,’ I said. ‘And who has the time??’

‘Fair enough,’ he said. But I’m beginning to think he may have a point. Perhaps the only possible hope for a kinky person like me who has met all the kinky people in the U.K. is to take a straight person and teach them. Jeez, even the thought of it, sounds laborious and time consuming. Imagine the work involved to find a person who is smart and funny and attractive and has a big cock and THEN have to introduce them to the idea of group sex, swinging clubs, double penetration. Imagine what would happen the first time their cock made contact, even accidentally, with another man’s.  Imagine having to listen to them the next morning as they went through the minutiae of the night before, how boring that would be. Just thinking about it makes me feel exhausted.

Alternatively, there is the possibility that someone I already know and have fucked may turn out to be a keeper. I read a stat recently that said that a person is better off sticking with their current partner and trying to ‘fix’ them rather than trying to find a better match. I don’t know if that’s true but I think there’s much to be said for trying to change the dynamic of a current relationship than going out and auditioning. The past couple of nights I have met up with a few of my former fuck buddies for threesome fun, having not indulged myself for quite some time. We sat around, drank, fucked, laughed, watched porn and generally had a damn good time. Sure, I missed the comfortable feeling of falling asleep with a man’s arms wrapped around me but not quite as much as I missed a spit roast. I felt like my old self again.

It’s hard for me to get up the energy to trawl the web looking for newbies when there are so many great guys already in my phone. I think I should hit the back catalogue for a while and see what happens.

Just because one is kinky doesn’t mean one is going to get along with another kinky person. Not all kinks are the same or compatible. I suppose I of all people should know this but life is full of surprises. I suppose, until recently, I had mistakenly assumed that if a person were kinky they would be accepting of their partner’s kinks too but what is good for one person is not always good for the other. Having given up on the idea that monogamy could ever work for me, I’ve taken the view that love comes from the heart and has very little to do with sexual fidelity but everything to do with sexual compatibility.

It takes two to tango and if one person is a dominant and the other person is dominant than the likelihood is that it’s not going to work. Two subs do not make a Dom. A swinger who likes to watch but not to swap may not be compatible with a swinger who likes to swap but not to be watched. Once one steps outside the fairly limited world of monogamy, it’s a whole different playing field but there are still rules and restrictions.

I’ve always been fairly relaxed about what I like and don’t like and given most of my partners a wide berth when it comes to how I like to be treated. I’m not prescriptive when it comes to sex or relationships but there are quite a few kinksters that are. I’ve been in relationships where I wish the rule book had been given to me in advance so I knew how I was meant to behave. Having always made the rules up as I go along, I’m pretty loose when it comes to sex. I’ve been spanked and bitten, fucked hard and soft, kissed in a myriad of ways. I’m not sure I like pain but I’m still open to the idea that someone might be able to take me through the levels until I get to the endorphin stage that a few of my friends rave about. I draw the line at stuff that comes out of my bottom but I’m happy for lots of things to be inserted in there.

And I’m open to the idea that if I can’t satisfy a primary partner in one of the ways that he likes, then it’s ok for him to go off and get it somewhere else. We can’t all be all things to all people.

Humans, on the whole, are an unfaithful bunch and I think if one starts with that premise, it’s easier to fall in love with the person rather than the romantic ideal. No one is infallible. As my wise son remarked to me the other day, ‘You get bored easily and you like variety.’

While in New York, I caught up with my friends Selina Fire and her partner Martin. They have one of the kinkiest relationships I know and one of the tightest. Both bi and into just about every kink going, they nevertheless trust each other implicitly and when they play its just great to watch. Martin, as I’ve written about recently, loves to make women gush and he really is a pro at it. Selina loves to watch as he applies his magic touch to as many women who want to have a go. Martin loves to watch Selina getting fucked by one man (or woman) after another. There’s no jealousy, no possessiveness in their relationship but a deep understanding of each other’s sexuality and what turns them on. Being around them really gave me hope that alternative relationships can work when two people trust and give each other the freedom to be who they are.

Despite all this, there’s no denying that once one leaves the safety net that is monogamy, it’s a pretty deserted beach. The U.S. may be Christian at its core but in NY I have a wonderful set of open minded friends, many of whom are in non-traditional and very happy relationships. In the U.K. it’s not so easy and despite being here for over thirty years, I don’t have any real friends (aside from my long standing fuck buddies) that are on my wavelength. Most of my girlfriends are still hoping to find ‘the one’. I’m a great believer that you have to know what you want before you can find it. Not all kinks are the same but there are some that are compatible. Bearing this in mind, anyone know a somewhat tall, attractive, VWE, slightly Dom guy that likes to cook for this slightly sub, tired of cooking, Jewish MILF?