Suzanne Portnoy

The American Hunk/Stud Muffin and I have been discussing the best ways a person can dump lovers for whom there really isn’t any passion or relationship potential. He says that he uses one of three methods. Either he just ignores their messages or he says he’s really busy and doesn’t know when he can see them or he mentions that ‘his dog died.’

I’m even less obvious in my approach. If I know a guy just isn’t good for me anymore I delete them from messenger. Take Dr. Donny. He is a guy I shagged twice. He has the most perfect cock for my body. It is so perfect that when I fantasise he often appears in my head just as I’m coming. I hate when guys do that uninvited. His cock is 9″ and thick and permanently hard. But he’s completely unavailable. I suspect there is a girlfriend in the background. He has a busy job. Occasionally he sends me a text to find out if I’m free but it’s usually when I’m snowed under at work. Still, I live in hope. About once a week, when I see his icon on messenger turn from grey to green, I drop him a message and ask if he’s free to fuck me. I feel a pathetic fool for even asking because the answer is always the same. ‘I’d love to babe but I’m really busy.’ I don’t even like the guy. He uses too much hair gel. He drives a Range Rover. He uses words like ‘babe.’ But when he’s inside me, I’m not thinking about his hair gel or his car. I’m thinking about how absolutely fucking fantastic he feels. That’s why today I deleted him from my list of contacts. If I don’t see the little icon go from grey to green, I can pretend he isn’t around.

Same goes for Thomas, a guy who I have been playing email ping pong with since November. November! Each time he tells me about all the ways he would like to have me, most of which seem to involve slamming me against a wall in a hotel corrider/an alleyway/a train toilet. Yesterday he came on messenger and told me about a woman he met at a bar whom he ’slammed against the bathroom door’ whilst her partner was ordering her a drink. Am I the only one seeing a pattern here? I wonder if all his sexual scenarios involve slamming a woman against a solid object. But instead of asking, I tried steering the conversation to my fantasy of taking a train to Lille for lunch and having him finger fucking me as we crossed the Channel. A decent guy would have booked the ticket at that suggestion but Thomas didn’t. After 3 months of messenger talk, I decided today that enough was enough. No doubt when he sees an article about me this weekend in a Sunday paper, he will suddenly pick up the phone and book a date. I have already rehearsed my speech that goes something along the lines of, ‘If you couldn’t be bothered to ring me when I was just a horny, sexy, middle-aged woman, why should I bother speaking to you now?’ He has been deleted too.

Then there’s Richard, a guy I arranged to meet for a pub lunch in Islington last summer whom I somehow ended up paying for when I discovered he had left his office forgetting his wallet. What guy comes out to lunch with a prospective fuck buddy and doesn’t bring money? He was a nice enough bloke that seemed particularly keen on telling me about his amazing 10″ dick. I know quite a few women that might have thought that was enough for a second date but I was more interested to find out how he planned to fit me into his busy schedule when he had full time care of his young daughter and erratic working hours. Weekends, my only free time, were off limits to him. I’ve pretty much stopped weekday activities except with my core group of regulars. Then last week I had a hole in my diary and he said he was taking that day off work. I thought we might finally consummate our relationship but when I suggested meeting up, he said that he was going to use his time off to catch up some long overdue paperwork. Delete, delete, delete.

That’s three down. I’m feeling better already.