Suzanne Portnoy

Last night I went to my current favourite watering hole Shoreditch House to get naked with a bunch of other club members. We were being photographed by Spencer Tunick , the guy who likes to photograph naked people en masse. Being no stranger to getting naked with strangers, I was looking forward to seeing a bunch of media folk take their clothes off. It’s not often that my world’s collide and I half expected there to be about 100 gay guys and me.

When I got there I ran into two charming gay guys on the door and then a girlfriend that I hadn’t seen in very long time.  Looking around there were alot of very nervous looking women. Then the free drinks arrived and after an hour or so everyone was starting to loosen up. Not needing much alcohol, I was starting to get a little bored and looked around. ‘This place is a goldmine for a straight guy,’ said my new friend. It was true. I couldn’t think of the last time I’d seen so many women and so few men, especially straight men.

Then Spencer finally announced the moment had come and shouting ‘3,2,1′ we all disrobed and were put into position so he could snap away. I was a bit surprised that his camera looked like one of those tiny ones that you find in Currys for £129.99 and not a big monster SLR. Some people started getting all fruity with each other which I thought was a bit weird. After all, this wasn’t Rios. We were models. One guy, standing behind his girlfriend and obviously completely new to the whole getting-naked-in-public thing, started stroking his partner and getting visibly aroused. ‘Look, a hard on,’ I whispered to my friend. I wasn’t expecting to see one of those at an art party.

Another couple started kissing when Spencer starting snapping, drawing attention to themselves as noone else was kissing. ‘Ick,’ said my girlfriend. ‘Do people think this is a swinger’s event?’ The best part of all was seeing all the naked waiters and waitresses, people that serve me practically ever day and now completely in the buff. Mmmm. Now there’s a sight I won’t be forgetting any time soon.

Having taken one set up in the main room, Spencer then asked us all to jump in the pool. It was not very warm and soon my nipples were standing to attention. Someone got the bright idea of splashing everyone and after that it all became quite silly. ‘Look away, look away,’ Spencer shouted through the mic but by this point the alcohol had taken hold of mostly everyone there and we weren’t particularly bothered about looking or not looking. He tried to get each man there to find a woman and then hold her as she floated above the water. I think a few of us managed this one but generally it was mayhem, a free for all. Directing 100 adults is hard at the best of times but after three or four glasses of wine, virtually impossible though God bless Spencer, he really tried.

After that it was back to the main room. The log fire was burning brightly and we all huddled around it to get warm. It was amazing to see how many people, having now disrobed, wanted to carry on being naked. Spencer came and said thanks to each of us, enquiring if we had seen a particular girl that was smiling at him. Then he checked out my drop dead gorgeous girlfriend. When we told him we hadn’t seen her, he asked the next group if they knew where she was. I couldn’t help but think he had gone to an enormous amount of effort simply to find a date.