Suzanne Portnoy

Last night, feeling a little vulnerable and alot pre-menstrual, I decided to call an ex. It was 8pm and he lives in India. No matter. He’s a single guy and I figured he probably would be up looking at porn or listening to music. He always was a night owl anyway. Actually, I didn’t really care if I woke him up. I just wanted to talk to him.

We had a short-lived relationship but, similar to the weekend guy, there was a lot of build-up in my head as we had met many years before. And, similar to the weekend guy, he was tall and slim and quite charming. And, similar to the weekend guy, he was really crap at communication. He just hardly ever rang me but when we got together it was always fun, relaxing and great. Hence the reason why we’re still friends. We’ll always be friends. He was easy to be around and I liked that about him although the crap communication thing just did my head in after a while. (That, along with the fact we didn’t fuck near as often enough as I would have liked).

‘Hey sweetheart,’ he said when he picked up the phone.

‘I didn’t wake you up,’ I said. ‘Did I?’

‘No, not really,’ he said. ‘Well, kind of,’ he said and laughed. You gotta love an ex that doesn’t scream at you when you know you’ve woken them up.

‘Listen, can I ask you a personal question?’ I said.

‘Oh God,’ he said.

‘When we were going out and you were just really crap at keeping in touch with me. Well, was it because you just thought I didn’t really give you a shit about you as you knew that I had slept around or was it because you’re just really crap at keeping in touch with people. Is that why you hardly ever rang me?’

‘Well, he said,’ laughing again. ‘Maybe it’s because I knew I’d never get a word in edgeways….’

I laughed. ‘Fair point.’

‘Actually,’ he said. ‘I’m just a really crap at communication. With everyone. I think all my other ex- girlfriends would say that about me.’

‘Is that why you never can hold down a permanent relationship?’ I said.

‘Yeh, probably,’ he replied. ‘I’m crap at communicating with everyone. You know that, sweetheart.’

‘Wow,’ I said. ‘Thanks. That makes me a feel a lot better. Because I’ve met this guy and he just reminds me so much of you but I realise he’s not you. But I think he’s just rubbish at communicating and now that I know that you’re just rubbish at communicating too, well, I feel a lot better. How’s India?’

‘Good,’ he said and then he told me about a website he thought I would like called SavitaBhabhi and I wrote it down. ‘Well,’ he said. ‘Lovely to talk to you. I’ll be back in a few weeks. See you then.’

‘Great,’ I said. ‘And thanks. I really do feel a lot better.’

And some folks think I’m a little strange.