Suzanne Portnoy

My friend and fellow blogger Mimi’s most recent post ‘Legacies from the Men in my Life’ got me thinking, not in a general sense but in a sexual one. Funny that. In truth, the men in my life have probably taught me more about sex than about anything else. I’ve always been a self-contained, opinionated woman with a wide variety of interests so it’s hard to separate what I actually learned by myself from what I was taught by the men in my life. Actually, that’s not totally true. My ex-husband taught me a hell of a lot about music. And the one after that, the alcoholic, taught me I’m a very bad drinker. Whereas the one after that taught me how to make a very nice martini using apple and orange juice. He also taught me that when a man tells you ‘I’m a one woman man,’ he very rarely means it. The same man told me that I’d look much better with short, curly hair and he was right.

Then there’s the Sexual Legacies. In no particular order:

Tim- my first boyfriend. I’m ashamed to say that I can’t remember much of that relationship. Recently we met up after twenty-something years and he reminded me that his cock was tall and thin, much like he was. I have a vague memory of being on top and grinding although I know I learned that from Tony, the first man with whom I had an orgasm. I seem to recall that once I tied Tim up with scarves so perhaps I learned about bondage from him. Who knows? My memory sucks.

Ex-husband - I was young. I was relatively inexperienced (but thought I knew it all) So was he. When we got divorced, I was none the wiser. I think once again there was a lot of being on top and grinding. It’s fair to say that I probably didn’t come any other way for twenty years. I was a creature of habit and, probably, pretty crap in bed although I was always very enthusiastic.

Frank - How to give a blow job. The man was a fantastic teacher. Before him I thought the most sensitive part was in the base of the penis. Frank was also the man who introduced me to sex toys. I got to know the difference between a rabbit and a bullet vibe, butt plugs and anal beads, different sized dildos. Finally I got a crash course in masochism. Not sure it was what I wanted but at least now I know that I make a pretty awful sadist.

Andy/Rob- Two guys that taught me more about tantric sex than anyone else I know. With each of them I learned how to ‘ride the wave,’ fuck a man whilst completely still and using only my vaginal muscles, prolong my orgasm. They were both great lovers but, at least in Andy’s case, there wasn’t much going on intellectually. There’s only so long I can be with a guy with whom I can’t have a conversation. Rob was lovely but lived 3000 miles away, not much good for a midnight shag unless I happened to be in upstate New York.

Daniel - the King of Anal Sex. With Daniel I learned to appreciate and love anal sex. I never thought I could get to the point where I could wake up in the morning to find a cock in my ass but Daniel was such a pro, he managed it. Not many men could get me that relaxed and ready when I was half asleep. Daniel was really the first to introduce me to swinging. Until he became incredibly jealous we used to have a lot of fun together. That knickers are completely unnecessary and a waste of time and money.

Jack - Jack taught me that if I ever want to get off and an average sized cock isn’t doing it, than 3 minutes of porn will do the trick. And, more importantly, size does matter for me.

I will end with the line Mimi used at the beginning of her post, “I wonder what legacies, if any, they have from me.”

Back in the day when Times Square was seedy and run-down and not, like now, an appropriation of Disneyland without the Flintstone sized turkey drumsticks, I had a boyfriend. He was probably the last boyfriend I had that challenged me enough to make me rethink my entire life. I like men like that. Men that want to take the time to get underneath the war paint and try to figure me out. This boyfriend didn’t want to change me. He just revealed to me aspects of myself that had been hidden from the rest of the world for years. He allowed me to be myself. I owe a lot to him. For the purposes of this blog and for anyone who has read my books, he was called ‘Frank.’

Frank didn’t get much chance to relax, being a stressed-out lawyer type but, when he did, he liked to browse the XXX stores around 42nd Street looking at sex toys. Every once in a while, he would buy one until he had amassed quite a collection of the stuff.

I used to go to New York to visit Frank every few months. We had a ritual. I’d book a hotel room, Frank would come over with a bag full of sex toys, dump them on the bed and we’d spend the rest of the weekend trying them out. Some of the stuff was, frankly, rediculous.

‘You’ve got to be kidding!’ I remember saying, when I pulled out an 18″ thick, glow-in-the-dark dildo. ‘I can’t use that.’ Frank had a very vivid imagination.

Before Frank, I hadn’t even owned a vibrator, couldn’t have told you the difference between a bullet or a rabbit, silicon vs. water based lube. After 18 months with Frank, I could have run a sex toy shop and so that was what I did, albeit a virtual one that stocked all my favourite products. It didn’t last long (too much competition in the marketplace) but I did end up with quite a lot of excess stock and samples. Now I have a couple of drawers full of the stuff, from double ended dildos to bullet vibes, a really gorgeous handmade leopard print strap-on, and various anal beads, butt plugs and who-knows-what-else. Word got around the media that I was a sexpert on sex toys and I got invited on TV to talk about them. They called me ‘The Sex Toy Queen.’

These days I have my favourite vibes, my favourite anal beads, a couple of things that get pulled out by various lovers when they want to experiment with my pussy and other holes. I don’t add to the collection as regularly as I used to do, being somewhat fussy about what I’ll stick up my fanny. The fact is that there’s a lot of crap out there - toys made using crappy rubber, petroleum based rubbish. There are too many toys that use far too many batteries that need to be changed far too frequently and stuff that just fundamentally doesn’t work.

I’m not one to plug products for the sake of plugging products but today I visited the Passion Show at Earls Court, where I ran into some very old friends who run a company called ‘Rocks Off.’ For a couple of blokes, these guys show a commitment to producing safe, sexy and environmentally products that really is applaudable. I’ve known them for five years, ever since they sat in my front room with a sample of their very first Rock Chick product, raving about the medical grade silicon and the tooling and all sorts of stuff I really couldn’t have given a shit about at the time. All I wanted to know is if it worked and so they gave me one to try out and I told them it really could have used a bullet vibe in it and a year later they produced one and now it’s one of their best selling products.

Then they produced a product for the boys that does really well and now they’ve launched some new vibes, one of which they gave me today to try out. They call it The Lick for obvious reason and it’s made out of a new material that took them a year to develop and is completely biodegradable, recyclable and all that stuff. It has a lovely feel to it and that bullet vibe inside is nice and strong and not too buzzy and it’s waterproof. It could just become my new favourite vibe which is really saying something as I’ve been best friends with my Fun Factory Layaspot for a couple of years now. The Lick is only £19.99 which seems incredibly good value to me and seriously, I couldn’t imagine the money going to nicer guys.

They’ve also just brought out the Ramsey Rabbit. Yes, well, em. I think someone was drunk when they thought that name up, don’t you?

Straight-talking sex advice from bestselling author Suzanne Portnoy. This time it’s Part 2 of our ‘Anal Special’ - even more stuff about anal sex that you were too embarassed to ask! If you have a question for Suzanne, please send it to suzanneportnoy@hotmail.co.uk.