Suzanne Portnoy

Yesterday I went on my stand-up comedy course. I don’t think the Coen brothers could have cast the people there if he tried. We were a motley crew. There was a very tall, slim barrister, a self-proclaimed 29 year old Egyptian toyboy, a very nervous debt collector, a taxi driver from Scunthorpe, and an attractive middle-aged woman who looked like she probably worked in Human Resources and came from somewhere up North. Each of us came with a different story to tell and I spent most of the day laughing. I laugh easily. Not so some of the others who mostly sat stonefaced while we each had our 5 minutes.

it was just as difficult as I imagined it to be and even more so as I was hungover and tired after Friday night’s shenanigans. Shenanigans. I love that word.  I had met a regular after work and we went to one of my favourite drinking holes, Shoreditch House, where I have grown to love a particularly lovely, Sardinian wine called Vermentino. Dry, with a burst of peach that erupts just as it’s gliding down my throat, I could live on that wine if my body didn’t require any other nutrients aside from alcohol and a bit of fruit.

Then, for a treat and a change of pace, I took my date next door to The White Horse Tavern, the oldest strip joint in the East End. I love it there. The girls are gorgeous and incredibly flexible and athletic on the pole. It was a real turn-on watching them, especially the slightly curvier woman with the great tits and legs who made standing on a pair of 7″ lap dancing shoes while hanging upside down on a pole, look as effortless as hanging upside down on the playground swing.   I like watching fit, athletic women take their clothes off slowly. When my date went to kiss me, I could feel his hard-on underneath his trousers. That was a turn-on too.

‘I don’t know any girls who would take me to a strip club,’ he said.

‘Well, you do now,’ I said as he grabbed my ass and pulled me towards him.

After that, it was back to mine where we sat in my hot tub messing around until about 1am. I was woken at 6am by a throbbing, big cock, pushing into me. Mmmm. That was nice. I have a hard time sleeping when there’s a horny man in my bed and I probably didn’t make it any easier for him to get any rest by climbing onto him any chance I could get.

‘You’re a very horny woman,’ he said.

‘Well, I don’t do the overnight thing often and so I get a bit overexcited. I hope you don’t mind.’

‘No,’ he said. ‘I don’t mind.’ He pulled one of my nipples into his mouth. I do like him but he’s going through a messy divorce and, like everyone else I know, is finding getting work a problem too. He’s unsettled and I know that and we see each other when we can.

Three hours later I was sitting in a community centre with the rest of my comedy class thinking about my opening line. I think I did alright and I went home with enough pointers so that now I can refine my act and get on with the business of hanging around smoke-free comedy clubs, kowtowing to the comedy elite and making a fool of myself on stage. Thanks to Bull Comedy for their advice and support.

After that, I had to prepare for the evening’s threesome. The guys came over at 9pm and within 30 minutes I was bent over the kitchen worktop - a hard 9″ cock slamming into my pussy while Greg’s cock was touching the back of my throat. Then it was back in the hot tub to chill out, looking at the star filled sky while I took turns giving the guys blowjobs just above the water. Sam had to leave early to pick up a relative at Luton and I had to have DP. We went back to the bedroom.

I looked over at Sam. His cock was semi-hard. I think he has that condition where his cock doesn’t go soft once it has gone hard. I’ve not known an older man to be able to repeat directly after coming.

‘How many more times do you want to come, Sam,’ I said. ‘Before you have to leave.’

‘One more should do it,’ he said. I turned on my side and began to jerk him off slowly. Fifteen minutes later we were in full flow again, Sam’s 9″ incher in my pussy, while Greg slowly slid in and out of my ass. Fuck it felt good.

‘Just when I thought I’ve already had the best sex ever, you go and turn up the volume,’ I said, laughing as we all lay on my bed, shattered.

By midnight the guys were gone and I was exhausted. I think everyone came 3 or 4 times in the space of 3 hours. I can’t remember a night that was quite so satisfying.

I have a very hot, very tolerant neighbour. Five foot two or thereabouts with brown, shoulder length hair, big brown eyes and  the firmest, cutest body I think my teenage son has ever seen, I know I am very lucky to have her. Not only does she put up with my garden antics which I’m sure she has witnessed from time to time (two of her windows overlook my garden) but she does so with a sense of humour. Over the past month we’ve become a little closer due to the fact that I had no hot water and she has a very nice shower. I’m not certain but fairly confident that the single woman who occupied the house before her moved out when she could no longer bear to look out her windows for fear of what she might encounter. She stopped talking to me shortly after I’d had a sex party in my garden. Well, none of the other neighbours seemed to mind.

Two weeks ago, after having a shower my HN (Hot Neighbour) said to me, ‘Did you read in the papers the other day about the woman who got an ASBO (Anti Social Behaviour Order) for parading around naked in her garden?’

‘No,’ I said. ‘I must have missed that story.’

‘You better be careful,’ she said laughing. ‘If you ever piss me off, you might be getting one of those.’

‘I’ll bear that in mind,’ I said, also laughing.

With that thought in my head, I stepped naked into my garden last night, followed by my two favourite fun guys, Greg and Steve. The rain had only recently stopped and the sandstone tiles were glistening. As I stepped in the tub, I turned around to look at the surrounding houses. Two rooms had their lights on next door but I couldn’t see anyone in the rooms. The house on the other side of mine had three lights on but again, I couldn’t see anyone moving around in them. Then there was the house behind mine. That one looked all dark. I sank down in the 39 degree water, Steve and Greg by my side.

‘Oh, I’d forgotten how great this is,’ said Steve. ‘What a way to spend a Saturday night.’

‘Yes, it’s not bad, is it?’ I said whilst stradding Greg’s thick cock and grabbing onto the side of the tub. I love it for the way I can get into all sorts of acrobatic positions that I’d never be able to accomplish out of the water. The water was washing away my fluids as fast as I was producing them but once the big head of his cock slid through the entrance, he went in easily. We kissed and for a moment, it felt like it was just the two of us. We have a special kind of intimacy. Not the intimacy of two people who love each other but the intimacy of two people who have known each other a long time.

Advice for Boys and Girls: If you want to keep the lust alive in your relationship (fuck buddy or otherwise), see your partner every six weeks. After four years, we’ve not had one bad night and it just keeps getting better.

I could feel his thick cock swell inside me as I slowly rode the shaft, gripping the head with my pussy as it neared the top. The air was the perfect temperature, just slightly cool so that each time I lifted my body I felt a slight chill and then the warmth again as I entered the water and ground down on his cock.

Reaching behind me, I took my left hand and reached for Steve’s cock. Nine inches and already fully erect, I slowly started milking him, not with any goal in mind but just enjoying the water and the feeling of having two cocks to play with. I’d been with the guys for almost a year now and we had developed a rhythm, building up the excitement and then taking it down again. I knew it would be at least two hours before anyone orgasmed. Then Steve moved around, sitting on the edge of the tub and placing his cock in my mouth, I sucked and licked him, working the head and then moving down the shaft until he was deep in my throat. Greg was still inside me, fucking me so slowly it was almost unnoticeable but still, with Steve’s cock in my mouth, we were now moving into ASBO territory.

I looked around. Still no movement in any of the rooms facing the tub.

Then I lifted off Greg’s cock, turned around and stood in the tub, my ass now facing Greg. He knew that was the signal to enter me from behind and he was in so quickly, Steve laughed. ‘You didn’t waste any time there, did you? he said while moving around the tub so that his cock was directly in front of me. I grabbed it with my mouth and soon he was so hard I thought he might lose it right there and then. ‘Oh, fuck,’ he said and I could feel the veins start to throb. Then he pulled back. He was the master of self-control. Greg could last for hours but once he got in my ass, I knew where it was going whereas Steve could seemingly fuck all day and night and never come.

After forty minutes or so we retreated back to the house and moved into the bedroom, where we stayed until we passed out on my bed, fully satiated and totally exhausted. Another evening had passed and I’d avoided getting an ASBO. It was a good night.

This has been a bit of a weird week.  First, you may have all noticed, my blog went down and reverted back to November 06.  I couldn’t figure out how to get my newer posts back until I discovered a website for uber-geeks where I met a Russian dude who fixed the problem in 30 minutes for the price of a round of drinks.  So thank you Sergei for sorting out my blog!  Much appreciated.

Looking back at the November 06 post made me want to cringe.  Back then, I was coming out of a relationship with a complete scoundrel who still owes me £2k.  If I’m honest with myself (and only in retrospect can I be truly honest with myself) the writing was on the wall of that particular relationship from Day 1 when he told me about a girl-friend who was helping him with some work who turned out (of course) to be a lover. Most men have a challenging relationship with honesty, but in his case it was a lot more than challenging, it was impossible. There are some days I wonder whether he had mental health issues but there’s no one I can ask. We no longer share friends and haven’t spoken in a long time. Reading over that old post I did wonder why I had stuck with him for so long.  Nowadays I doubt we would have gotten beyond first base.  I know I’ve had my stupid moments but I like to think that I’ve gotten wiser with age.

Enough of the past and onto the present. I’ve really been hammering it this week as my kids’ free time has been dramatically cut short by my eldest who decided to come home early. Usually I have a month of solitude so having only two weeks this year has meant I’ve had to cram funtime into 14 days. I’ve taken hedonism to new heights. On Thursday I’d arranged to meet a new guy for drinks.  We had only exchanged one email, hadn’t spoken on the phone but I felt like going out and had no expectations.

He turned up late outside Green Park station and looked pretty close to his photograph.  Six foot one, slim, thinning dark hair, quite attractive.  We went to the Mayfair Hotel and after a couple of martinis and a lot of laughter he was looking even more attractive.  A third martini and I was ready to jump him in the bar.  I hadn’t had a three martini night in a few years and for a good reason - they make me wild.  By 10.30pm we were alone in the bar making out and by 11pm we were in a black cab, him with his hand up my dress and me feeling his cock through his trousers.  I’m sure the taxi driver was enjoying the show from his rear view mirror.

The next morning, I rolled over and we had another session.  It was the first time I’d had a new man stay at mine since last year and it felt nice to spoon and cuddle.  If I hadn’t been so incredibly hungover it would have been nicer still.  He left at 8am to go to work and I eventually managed to drag myself out of bed by noon.  It wasn’t until then that I noticed the bite marks.  There were two on my leg, another on my arm and a fourth on my bum.  I’m not a big fan of biting and bruise easily.  I knew that within a couple of days they would be worse but I had to laugh.  It had been some night. I very much doubt we’ll be let back into the Mayfair Hotel.