Suzanne Portnoy

You would think after spending fifteen years working in PR that I would know how to give a decent interview but I’m still learning. Mainly I tend to ramble on, straying off the subject matter, relating anecdotes just for the sake of it and with no coherent message. When I read back what I’ve said, I want to hide my head under my long, black wig… that is, until today.

It seems I may finally have processed some of the top tips I’ve recommended to my clients. Today, for the first time ever, I read an interview with myself that didn’t make me cringe. Unfortunately, the online edition doesn’t feature the picture of a rather stunning 30-something model pretending to be me but no matter, it still reads well.

Tonight I have an evening with two or possibly three men. One of my regular partners sent me a text to say that he thinks I deserve a specially, especially large treat this evening to celebrate the release of ‘Not So Invisible’ and is organising an all-male soiree just for me. I can’t wait!

Tomorrow morning at 11am I’m looking forward to hanging out with Vanessa Feltz on BBC London. The last encounter I had with her was at a my local ATM where she was checking her balance. How do I know this? She left the slip in the machine. She had a staggeringly large amount in her current account. I generally tend to avoid the button on the ATM machines that says ‘Check Balance,’ preferring the one that says ‘Withdraw Cash.’ It’s a good thing we’re not talking about money tomorrow otherwise I’d be really stuck.

Actually, I like Vanessa a lot. She’s smart and funny, blonde, Jewish and has a penchant for black guys. I think we have a lot in common. I wouldn’t be surprised if at one point we we had shagged the same guy. Maybe I’ll ask her. Shame I’m only on for a half hour.

Oh, and I should mention that fellow New Yorker Ed Hamell is on for only two more nights at the Soho Theatre withi his wonderfully witty and inventive show, ‘The Terrorism of Everyday Life.’  Ed lets rip on his 1937 Gibson acoustic whilst ranting about everything from death to drug taking, parenting, love and friendship.  His delivery is rapid fire (I don’t know how he manages to keep up the pace for an hour) and deadpan.  OK, I was given tickets but he’s actually worth the £17.50 it costs to see him.

Knowing from my hit-o-meter that I have lots of new fans and knowing that new fans like to see new material otherwise they will disappear and find another sex blogger (probably on my own blogroll) that will satiate their hunger, I give you the best sex I’ve ever had. My friend Angelika over at Naive London Girl calls this the BFE or Best Fuck Ever. I thought she meant Boy Friend Experience, like GFE means Girl Friend Experience - a term commonly used on Punternet.com to describe a prostitute who gives her punter a more intimate experience than the usual fuck-n-go. That’s how cynical I am. As if boys could pretend to be boyfriends instead of just fuck buddies. Mind you, I had a lover once who did a pretty good job of pretending to be a boyfriend but freaked out when I suggested I might want to be his girlfriend. ‘I hate it when girls try and fit themselves into boxes that don’t even exist,’ he said. He’s not around anymore.

I also had a lover who said to me, not so very long ago, after a not particularly satisfying sex session (for either of us) that he was more of a lover than a fucker. I thought that was a particularly original get-out clause. Whereas I think that as much as I love intimacy, there is nothing quite so satisfying as being royally fucked by someone who really understands the meaning of stamina.

My lover Greg is one of these guys. Looking at Greg, you wouldn’t think that he was an expert at shagging. I’ve never asked Greg how many women he has shagged but I would not be surprised if it was in the high thousands. You don’t get as good as he is by not practising… alot. He’s in his early fifties, white, with very short hair and wirey media-type specs. Medium build, medium height. Attractive but not stand-out. His cock, 8 1/2 inches, thick, with a large mushroom head, is just about perfect. Greg and I have been hanging out for a few years now and the sex has actually improved with age. Perhaps that’s because we don’t see each other very often. Recently, our relationship has taken on a whole new level of intimacy with the introduction of his friend Tony.

Tony is black, early thirties, stocky build with a cock as thick as a Coke can and about 6 1/2 ” long. He is a lovely guy, horny as hell and the combo of the two of them is mind blowing. Really, having sex with two horny guys that are as horny for me as I am for them, is a life changing experience. I don’t know why more women don’t try it.

The other weekend the boys came around for a little session and didn’t leave for five hours. That was unusual in itself because usually I can’t last that long and my libido starts waning and all I want to do is go to sleep. But this particular weekend was different. It felt as if we were all in the same head space, all really up for making it last. Not that we just shagged the entire time. No, being somewhat pros at this, we paced ourselves. I can’t have sex with a guy whom I can’t talk to and that evening we chattered away for an hour or so, listened to Angelika’s podcast, laughed, drank and ate in between all the fucking. At one point we all orgasmed at the same time and that took us all by surprise.

‘So, what makes it so great?’ I can hear you all asking.

First and foremost, it’s the feeling of being completely filled. Really, I can’t even put into words how great that feels. It feels as if there are twice as many endorphins kicking around my body. Then, because I always like to be on top, there’s extra clitoral stimulation as I’m rubbing against whichever guy in on the bottom. Then there’s the horny factor. I feel doubly desirable. And we all fit. It just works, ok?

At the end of the evening, I kissed the guys on the doorstep. ‘Wow,’ said Tony looking completely blissed out. ‘Yeh, Suze,’ said Greg. ‘That was quite a sess. Get some sleep.’

Mmmmn. Roll on threesome Friday…